I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You were trust falling into bushes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
