If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
