My Higher Power is John Stamos
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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