come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.