i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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