I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
