Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
