Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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