just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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