Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
