Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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