You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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