Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
