before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
