You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
