When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
