worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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