i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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