Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"