When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.