What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
