I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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