i just sent this text using only my big toe
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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