I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
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Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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