Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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