M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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