My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
