my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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