Please, let me fuck your mom
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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