You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
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I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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