Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Can Purell be used as lube?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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