In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
