he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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