im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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