Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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