Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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