I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
