I think my vagina is haunted
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
