Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize