As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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