This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
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Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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