I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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