The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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