Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
