My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm too high and old for this...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
