i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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