How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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