Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
