I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
