Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
