when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
